Exams are coming up and like usual 3 weeks before the exams I got into a bit of a panic thinking I would never have time to study enough to get the grade I want, so I contemplated not taking the exams at all and do them later instead.
But now the exams are 2 days away and things have been pretty chill for the past few days, and I feel like I know most of what we need to know.
Which means that now there is time to worry about other things instead.
Will I have enough money to do something fun in Gothenburg after exams?
Will I have enough money to go to Japan for vacation?
Will I have enough money to buy a small house or apartment in the future...?
Will I have enough money to retire when I am old?!
Sometimes I feel like everything is a downward spiral and everything I want in life is right there in front of me but because I wasn't born into money it is unreachable to me. Doesn't really sound like a fair world, does it.
Even the idea of getting a scholarship in order to do a masters abroad seems like it could just slip out of my fingers. Sure, I did get a scholarship before, but this time is different and I would not be surprised if they all just simply rejected me right away for me just being me. Because I am weird, kind of. It doesn't impact my skills, I am a really good student, but being a good student isn't all they think about when considering who to choose for a scholarship.
I am also afraid that I will never be able to "become an author" because I suck too much at writing and I might never become good at it, and even if I did that doesn't guarantee anything.
I don't want to be a slave to the status quo system, working just to make a living and barely getting to spend time on what I want. I want what I want and I hate that I might not get any of it.
The future is a scary place I dare not think about for too long, because I only see the worst in it.
